Regret is the WORST! Stop Creating It.
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When someone asks me what I do, I tell them I help people create regret-free lives. This wasn’t the goal I set out with when I started coaching, but over time, I’ve learned that regret is a deep-seated fear for many, particularly those entering the second half of their lives.
Forget about all the things we did that turned out to be mistakes. Here, I’m talking about regretting the things we didn’t do. Evidence shows that most people regret what they didn’t do far more than what they did.
Long before I became a Professional Coach, I was obsessed with the role of regret in our lives. Determined to avoid building up a regret inventory, I often jumped into action without fully considering the consequences of my choices. That led to an entirely different set of problems, which we will leave for another blog!
Even as a child, I had a morbid fascination with deathbed thoughts. I wondered: when people genuinely know they’re in their final moments, what do they regret? Do they dwell on the things they did—or on the things they never even attempted?
It turns out that someone has researched this. Bronnie Ware, a long-time palliative nurse, has been on the deathbed of hundreds of people. She reports that almost every single person’s regrets when looking back at their lives, fall into one or more of the following five categories:
- “I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
- “I wish I hadn't worked so hard.”
- “I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.”
- “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”
- “I wish I had let myself be happier.”
I wholeheartedly believe that living a life free of regrets is possible.
This is not the same as embracing perfectionism. It doesn’t mean we’ll never feel guilt, remorse, or even shame about some of our actions.
Building a regret-free life is about slowing down to assess what matters to us regularly and then designing our lives around investing in those activities, people, and places. It requires a commitment to deep self-reflection followed by courageous and, almost always, uncomfortable actions.
It means letting go of traits such as people-pleasing, FOMO, and perfectionism and cultivating curiosity, courage, and a bias for action. I know it’s a tall order, but with commitment and practice, it’s absolutely doable.
A common obstacle to creating a regret-free life is the inability to recognize and be at peace with what we want. Many of us, especially women, have come to believe (mistakenly) that speaking of, let alone pursuing, our desires makes us selfish.
As you read/hear these words, you might recognize yourself as one of those people. And if not, look around you; you will easily find that self-sacrificing, always-giving, “nice” person in your circle of friends and family. They strive to be liked by all and say “yes” to any request. They are undoubtedly known as a good mother, daughter, and employee. But do you know what they really desire? Do you know what makes them come alive? No?
They don’t either.
Once we do the work of acknowledging our desires without feeling the compulsion to justify them, it’s time to take action. Yet again, we find ourselves held back—this time by the fear of how we will look to others. Notice how the common thread in the beliefs that hold us back from creating regret-free lives is always about others.
What will others think of me?
What will others say about me?
I get it. I’ve been there too. But others are mostly busy trying to figure out their own complicated lives. If I’ve learned one thing, it’s that others simply don’t care as much about your choices as you think they do.
Perhaps this is the reason the number one regret the dying shared with Bronnie Ware is, “I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
What if those “others” we make mean so much in our lives just want us to be happy?
What if they’ve moved on from their ”expectations” while we still keep ourselves shackled to those phantom expectations?
Isn’t it time you unapologetically acknowledged your desires and gave them your best shot before it’s too late?
