"Mom, All You Had to do Was Ask for What You Want"

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Years ago, my son and I were traveling by plane.

We were sitting in coach.

He is a big guy, and I’m not such a big woman (in size).

We sat quietly and peacefully beside each other for 2 hours until I spoke. 

Me: “Can I ask you a question?”

He: “Of course.”

Me: “Why do all men older than six years old consider it their right to hog the entire armrest?”

He: “Wow, Mom! I had no idea you were upset!”

Me: (With a voice a few octaves higher than I would have liked) “I’m not upset...I’m just curious.”

Of course he was right, I was upset. I was deeply, historically, and generationally upset.

But also, genuinely curious.

After all, I know my son to be a thoughtful, considerate, modern young man. Why then, this Neanderthal posture? Is it genetic or learned?

It turns out that it’s neither.

His response to my question was as simple as it was elegant. And so truthful that it immediately landed for me.

“Mom, all you had to do was ask for what you want.”

 Wow!!! So simple, so profound, and yes, so true.

Photo: Sketchplanations

Being a Coach is a little like being a detective. Contrary to what many people believe coaching will do for them—which is to change them—I’m not looking to change anyone. If I’m working with someone, I’ve already assessed them as pretty extraordinary. However, I’m looking for all the ways they might be getting in their own way of success.

For women especially, one of the most profound ways we sabotage our success is by not asking for what we want. We do this for several reasons—we worry it might be impolite, we could make things awkward, or others will think we’re arrogant.

Asking for what we want is the primary trigger for that persistent voice, which is always ready to ask, “Who do you think you are?”

Uggghhh, don’t get me started on that voice! But suffice it to say, that deep down, we all know that even if we don’t get the thing we want, asking for it is the right thing to do.

That’s because “the ask” eliminates the primary nourishment of the destructive emotion of resentment and stops us from slipping into a victim mindset.

It took me a lifetime to learn that no one can read my mind. And, what a revelation this has been! We grow up receiving the message of not asking for what we want and assuming that others (most often, men) have the superpower to read our minds. We carry this belief into our intimate and family relationships as well as our professional lives.

So, we don’t ask.

We wait.

I understand how, very often, asking for what we want can feel risky. But take a moment to do the math—consider the risk of not being honest about your desires. In the long run, the cost of that choice will be far greater than the risk of simply asking.

While asking may feel dangerous in the moment, the long-term consequences of silencing our voice and suppressing our desires are far more damaging. We must not give in to what’s commonly known as distance bias, which is the recognition that humans have an instinct to prioritize what’s nearby over what’s far away.

Good coaching involves uncovering the main biases and beliefs that hold us back from being our most authentic and powerful version. And then, one small step at a time, removing those obstacles through deliberate actions.

If I’ve provoked a desire in you to become someone who wants to become comfortable asking for what they want, here are four questions to get you started:

When you reflect on your personal and professional relationships, what do you want that you’re not asking for?

What are you afraid you will lose if you ask for it?

What price are you paying by not asking?

Is it worth the price?