Hey, Ex-boyfriend. Love You!

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“Love you” are two words we either say too often or not enough.

Years ago, an ex-boyfriend noticed I don’t end my conversations with loved ones with “love you” as he did. Of course, he knew how much I loved my kids, and on my part, I just thought it was silly to keep saying it.

“But what if it’s your last conversation with that person?” he asked me.

It was a horrible thought I couldn’t even consider at that time. I just didn’t have the capacity. I came up with many reasons why it was silly to say “love you” every single time when a simple goodbye would suffice. And where was I supposed to draw the line? With my kids, parents, extended family, friends, clients? I mean, it would be ridiculous! I’d be saying “love you” all day long!

Still, something about watching him do it with his kids moved me. And so, I began doing the same with mine. At first, it felt awkward and forced. But much to my surprise, my kids were happy to say the words right back to me with a surprising measure of ease. This little addition made every interaction feel complete, even if we had just had a difficult conversation.

You see, my definition of love is this—genuinely caring about someone without having an agenda. If I care, appreciate, and am concerned for you without considering how it benefits me, then I love you.

If I enjoy spending time with you and can appreciate all of you without judgment, I love you.

I love you if I care for your growth, well-being, and happiness.

Often, I love you just because.

But here’s where the problem started.

I really do love so many people in my world, and so before I knew it, more times than I could count, a goodbye would end with an automatic but nevertheless authentic “love you.” It seemed like a lot! But I couldn’t stop myself! The L word had invaded my lexicon and, with it, expanded my heart.

I realize that simply adding the word “I” to the “love you” part can take the meaning to another level for most people. We’ve reserved those words exclusively for grand gestures, mainly of the romantic kind. Recently, a friend who genuinely loves her boyfriend told me she reserves those words for the man she is sure she will spend the rest of her life with. So until such time (if it happens), this most beautiful and pure sentiment will be hidden away like a diamond in a safe rather than one that can be worn and enjoyed in the present moment.

To end a conversation with “love you” is to be present to the gifts and miracles in front of our faces. And if you agree with my definition of love, you might be amazed by how many people you are blessed and privileged to love—right now, right here.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe we should throw the word “love” around carelessly. I’m suggesting we enlarge our definition of it and remove the artificial preciousness we’ve created around its expression. Only then can we acknowledge how much love—in all its forms—we may be taking for granted.

This is not a practice for the faint-hearted because when you allow your heart to feel more generously and when you allow yourself the language to express the feelings of your heart, you’ll say “love you” in the moment to people who might be taken aback.

This will feel awkward.

Last week, I said it to a male friend who I care for deeply, and I also said it to my housekeeper, whom I adore. I said it to a childhood friend I hadn’t spoken to in years and a long-time client who was going through a tough time.

All four of them appeared surprised in the moment. But I meant what I said, and I bet once the initial surprise wore off, they, too, felt and believed the sincerity of my love.

But here’s the best part.

The next time I met my guy friend, housekeeper, and client, they each said, “love you,” before we said goodbye. It’s as if my going first permitted them to expand their own definition of love.

Or maybe this whole love thing is contagious!

Ironically, I’ve become the exact person I feared before I began this practice. That ridiculous person who says “love you” all day long!

So, thank you to the ex-boyfriend who gave me the most priceless of gifts—the gift of giving and receiving love effortlessly and continuously.