The 2 Windows of Parenting: Authority Vs. Influence

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Coaching young adults has a tricky aspect to it.

Even though I’m coaching young adults, their parents also need to change their beliefs and behaviors if they want their children to succeed.

Recently, a friend with children close to age to my kids’ ages (22 & 24) asked me how I exert my authority over them. She wanted to learn to do the same with her kids and was having trouble figuring it out.

“I have no authority over my kids,” I replied.

Her mouth fell open!

If anyone has young adult children above the age of, let’s say, twenty, and they believe that they have genuine authority over that “child” they are in for a rude awakening.

As parents, we are given a Window of Authority for a limited number of years. Those are the years that we have control over our children’s actions. Parents, especially those from older cultures, often wrongly believe this Window of Authority is open-ended.

The truth is that even if our adult children pretend to do what we want them to, they are either lying to us or living an inauthentic life that they will undoubtedly have to pay the price for later. Most damagingly, it costs us our relationship with them.

Time and authentic connection with our adult children is arguably the greatest blessing any parent can hope for. Attempting to exert our authority when they are past a certain age ensures that we lose the opportunity to develop profound friendships with them.

I know that this idea of being friends with our kids is controversial. Shouldn’t we be their parents and not their friends?

Absolutely. But there’s a nuance, and it has to do with our clear understanding of the stages and seasons of parenting.

My generation has tried to befriend our kids when we should be an authority.  When they were young and looking to us to own that Window of Authority by setting boundaries, transmitting our family values, and pushing them out of their comfort zones, we instead optimized for their friendship.

We wanted our children to like us—to really like us—and see us as their best friends. We wanted this because so many of us didn’t have it, as children or adults, with our own authoritarian parents.

We were the first generation of parents to make this switch en masse. The results are mixed and still need to be fully understood.

So, those of us who missed our parenting Window of Authority because we were focused on being friends with our kids wonder how we can make a difference in our adult children’s lives now that they are grown up. Is it all over? Should we give up trying and just let them do whatever they want? Are we to be bystanders in their lives?

Fortunately, there is a great deal we can do.

There is another window that opens up after the Window of Authority closes. This is the Window of Influence. Influence is our ability to inspire and shape (not control) another person’s thoughts, behaviors, and decisions. And I tell you that in the long game we call parenting, influence is far more powerful and effective than authority.

I coach many young adults without any authority over them. My focus when coaching this demographic is on influence. One or both parents often contact me first to learn about me coaching their son or daughter. If we move forward, their child will be my coaching partner and the one I work with directly, but the parents—if they so choose—can learn the skills that will allow them to influence their child’s decisions and behaviors positively.

The first step to becoming an influencer is recognizing that the Window of Authority is closed. Understanding and accepting that simply saying “because I say so” holds little value is essential. This realization is the starting point for embracing a new approach to parenting—one that encourages us to develop skills we may not have cultivated yet.

With that genuine understanding, we can begin developing the following skills:

1. Deliberate Listening

 We’re used to directing our young children multiple times a minute. Do this and don’t do that is the soundtrack of most children’s lives. Adult supervision has never been higher or more constant than in our times. 

The harms and benefits of this kind of parenting can be debated, but we know there will come a time when telling our kids what to do will no longer work. This is when our ability to listen deeply and allow for understanding rather than directing or controlling their outcomes becomes paramount.

2. Self-Reflection and Self-Awareness

Our kids—regardless of age—are influenced by our personal level of consciousness (or lack thereof). If we are not doing our work of self-growth and expansion, they will see us as static symbols of a past that can’t possibly help them navigate the modern world. Don’t become a dinosaur in your child’s eye.

3. Honesty

So often, we ask our kids to behave in ways that we didn’t. We do this because we believe they will assume our consent and approval if they know we did those things. But when we share our past experiences with them (with honesty and without whitewashing), in addition to the lessons we learned, they will at least consider our advice—which is more than what most parents can achieve.

4. Humility

This quality allows our children to see us as the imperfect people that we are. We fear looking imperfect to our kids because we’ve bought into the myth of perfection being a highly desired quality. But keeping up this front only makes our kids feel like there’s something wrong with them if they are filled with doubt, fear, and confusion. “Me too” is a powerful phrase that every parent should feel comfortable saying.

5. Model, Don’t Preach

We all know our kids do what we do, not what we say. Practicing rather than preaching is one of the most challenging exercises we can adopt, and it’s tied to the second practice I mentioned—self-reflection and awareness.

A tool I use is the following: Ask yourself, “What behavior of mine would I be devastated if my child grew up to emulate?” Your honest response will expose where you may appear out of integrity in your child’s eyes, giving you a clear map of the changes you want to make.

6. Logical Conversations + Long-Term Consequences

The prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for considering the consequences of our actions—isn’t fully developed until we are 25 years old. Until then, we have to play the role of the PFC for our kids, but not by making them feel like idiots for not considering the second and third-order consequences of their actions.

We need to be patient and logical but firm and clear in letting them know that they will be on their own to deal with the consequences of their actions. Parachute and Lawnmower parents, take note!

7. Enlarge their Circle of Mentors

Actively and deliberately introduce your young adults to people of different opinions and thoughts—so they can exercise their discernment muscle—a muscle they will need to use more than any other to make decisions. Although we don’t want to introduce them to negative influences, it’s essential they don’t believe we are close-minded and one track in our thinking. When we surround them with a fishbowl that only confirms our own beliefs and biases, they become suspect, and we lose all credibility with them. Connecting them with adults we admire who may not entirely share our lifestyle and beliefs allows our children to trust us more and to develop into critical thinkers.

The unexpected gift of consciously developing these skills is that they will transform not only our parenting dynamic but also our other relationships.

Because, at the end of the day, nobody likes authority.