How Can You Give Generously Without Being Burnt Out?

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Last week's blog, “When Giving Makes You Exhausted…,” elicited more questions than answers from my readers.

Every day, I receive more emails asking me to dig deeper into the distinctions I identified. 

The questions run the gamut from “How do I know if I’m a Matcher or a Giver?” to “How can I be sure that I’m a Fierce and not a Selfless Giver?”.

If you love scientific data and evidence, pick up Adam Grant’s brilliant book, “Give and Take,” where he masterfully parses the qualities inherent to each tendency.

My clients and readers usually consider me as the person who comprehends all the information and presents it in a way that is helpful to them. As you keep reading or listening, I urge you to remember this.

I was born with a superpower; I was naturally a Fierce Giver.

My earliest childhood memories are those of playing all out. I held nothing back, whether as a 4-year-old playing games of imagination with my little buddy Kamyar, who also happens to be my uncle, or as a second grader with my best friend, Shadi.

As I grew older, I brought the same passion to everything I put my mind to. But as it happens to all of us, life begins to “should” all over us. 

“You should be studying instead of walking in the woods.”,  “You should be more helpful to your mother.”,  “You should be a nice girl and start a family.”... the list goes on, and to be clear, much of it was my interpretation of what others expected of me and not necessarily the truth.

But that doesn’t matter because what I made it mean, and what I now know for sure so many other people do as well, is this, “If I do what I want to do, then I’m a selfish person.”

The word selfish is Kryptonite for Givers. It’s also code for many other labels we understandably don’t want to be attributed to us. Calling someone selfish means something is wrong with them, that they’re broken or bad.

The word has little effect on Takers, and it’s a tuning fork for Matchers, but being told we are selfish is the biggest producer of shame and guilt (the two horsemen of the emotional apocalypse) for any true Giver.

Givers are always focused on others. This is the fundamental difference between Givers and the other two tendencies. 

However, Fierce Givers slow down and consider themselves in the giving equation as well.

Selfless Givers take action without any consideration for themselves.

These are not personality traits etched in stone. They are ways of thinking, acting, and being that allow us to show up to the world in ways that, over time, create our personal-reality (per Dr. Joe Dispenza’s elegant description).

In certain situations, a Giver can shift to being a Matcher or even a Taker, but they tend to revert to their natural way of engaging with the world over time.

For now, let’s assume you’re pretty confident that you’re a Giver and want to become more Fierce and less Selfless. Your “why” should be clear before attempting this transformation. Some of the reasons my clients want me to help them make this shift are:

1. Their professional growth is stunted by others’ perception that they are not strong enough, don’t know how to set boundaries, and anyone can walk all over them.
2. They give so much to their family but feel resentful because they’re not appreciated.
3. They are exhausted! No matter how much they give, there’s always more they feel they should be doing, and they end up feeling overwhelmed and hopeless about never being able to “catch up.”
4. Their health is compromised, and they know deep down that they are not caring for themselves. However, they don’t know how to do that without feeling selfish or depriving themselves of another important life area.
5. They have trained those around them to expect selfless giving and feel it's too late to change.
6. They are doing everything they were taught that makes for a good mother (wife, father, child, employee, boss,…), yet they feel more guilt, shame, and resentment in their everyday life rather than the ease and fulfillment they assumed would be theirs.
7. They feel drained instead of energized after social interactions with friends and family.

So, we begin the work of shifting from Selfless to Fierce. 

It’s not difficult work, but depending on how long we’ve been practicing Selfless giving, it will take time and patience—primarily with our loved ones who have come to have certain expectations of us through no fault of their own. 

It’s only human nature that what is tolerated today is mandated tomorrow. Once we’re ready to do the work, it helps to know where we are going. 

Here are five ways Fierce Givers show up:

1. They are always looking for the win/win solution. Their motto is, “We all win, or we don’t play.”
2. They empower others to become stronger, more capable versions of themselves. In other words, they teach others how to fish rather than give them the fish (hello, bulldozer parents!)
3. They give for the pure joy of giving, and if it doesn’t feel joyful, they slow down to question and explore their emotions without judgment of themselves or others.
4. They are always included in the equation, knowing they cannot serve others from an empty cup.
5. They have a deep and clear understanding of the distinction between serving those they love and pleasing them.

My story of how I lost my superpower in my 20s and regained it two decades later is one for another time. Suffice it to say that having been on both sides of the giving equation has allowed me to help others—especially women—become proud, powerful, and Fierce Givers.